| person | conversation text |
|---|---|
| friend | You got yourself into some trouble there. |
| myself | Yeah. |
| i | I did. |
| friend | What are you going to do about it? |
| i | I’m going to stand in awe that this has finally happened. |
| myself | Really? |
| i | I’ve been waiting for this the better part of the year. |
| friend | You’re not making any sense. |
| myself | Her heart is a fragile thing. |
| i | She gave me power over it. Power corrupts. I didn’t want this kind of power. But she gave it to me. |
| friend | Why were you waiting for her to get angry? |
| myself | It is a sign she can and will stand on her own. |
| i | I’m liking this changed person. I’ll be able to get to know this new her all over again. |
| friend | What if she isn’t willing to put up with you after all that? |
| i | I could say I’m talking about someone else. |
| myself | But what does it mean to be talking about someone per se in this realm? |
| friend | Dude, you could write papers on a subject like that. |
| i | Indeed I could. |
| myself | But you can’t say you were talking about someone else. |
| friend | Why not? |
| i | Because we’re already talking about her response. |
| friend | Yeah. |
| myself | But was that really her that we were talking about? No. It was what we thought of her. |
| friend | And clearly she has changed. |
| i | I know. And I like it. |
| friend | Really? |
| i | Well, I can do without the swearing, but yeah – if she’d had some backbone from the getgo I might have been even more drawn to her. I think I’ve even told her as much. |
| friend | Why? |
| i | I don’t want to be able to trample all over someone’s heart. I want someone who will demand the respect that she deserves. |
| myself | And she’s finally done it? |
| friend | Hate to break the news to you folks, but she didn’t demand anything. |
| i | Well, she got angry when it wasn’t there. That’s a start, I think. |
| friend | So, are you going to try to sweet talk yourself out of this? |
| i | No, I’m not going to. |
| myself | Aren’t we at least going to apologize? |
| i | I suppose some apologies are in order. |
| friend | Such as? |
| myself | It was wrong to call her foolish. |
| i | She’s right – I just don’t totally understand this fierce desire to earn everything herself. Heck, I’ve probably spent more emotional effort arguing against getting money than I have trying to get it from other people through jobs or gifts. |
| friend | And there’s more to apologize for, right? |
| myself | Yeah, the whole using thing. |
| i | That’s her choice what I’m suppose to apologize for. I’m pretty certain I wanted a chance with her. I wanted to see if she could be alright when free of the problems she has been forced to be dealing with. |
| friend | Well, it does seem like she’s heading that way. |
| myself | Yes, it does. |
| i | I’m still going to watch patiently. |
| friend | You mean you’re not going to go after her? |
| myself | Anger is not a sustainable way to live. |
| i | I’ll see if this is enough to get her what she deserves, or if she is just talking a good talk. |
| friend | Dude, she’s going to be so pissed to see you write something like this. |
| myself | It is about time. |
| i | I’ve spent the better part of the year pussyfooting around when it comes to any sort of contact with her. Now that she says she has some backbone, I ought to be totally honest to her about how I feel about her. |
| friend | And how do you feel? |
| i | I still believe in her potential. |
| myself | She may just manage to achieve the financial independence, and independent living, that she’s so in need of. |
| friend | Uh, you didn’t answer the last two real questions, really…. |
| myself | About my feelings and the whole using thing? |
| i | I guess I didn’t. Ok, I’ll answer them simply: there’s no use in having any sort of feelings towards her, right now, other than friendship, because nothing is going to happen with regard to her – at least not for several years – and even then probably not. But a possibility exists in my mind out in the future, one which I’m not willing to totally let go of just yet. But I probably should let go of it – too much planning for the future makes the present get confused. |
| friend | So you’re giving up on the idea of a future with her? |
| myself | For now, at least. |
| friend | My aren’t you commital? |
| i | I suppose I am, in my own way. And as far as the using thing goes: at A-Cen I’ll treat her the way she wants to be treated by me – sans sex, of course, if she’d want that. |
| friend | Somehow, I don’t think that’s what she meant when she said “SCREW YOU”. |
| myself | You’re probably right. |
| friend | You’ve gone and done it and broken her heart – again. |
| i | I wanted a chance together. I wanted to like, live in the same place and have a chance to do “normal” dating – in-person dating. Because with her, clearly I’ve got some issues communicating with electronically. |
| friend | This being a case in point. |
| i | And I spent a long time trying to come up with a way whereby we could do that. I mean, what am I supposed to do, go straight from a long distance relationship to living together? |
| myself | You had entertained that notion. |
| i | I had, out of anticipated possible desperation. |
| friend | You think she’s going to be angry reading that? |
| i | It isn’t like I didn’t tell her as much at the time. |
| myself | She’s finally showing some backbone. |
| i | I know she’s got a lot to be angry at me about. |
| friend | Yeah, she does. |
| myself | It is about time she got angry. |
| i | I was probably wrong to have tested her in this way. People change and I’ve changed over the past year. |
| friend | Yes, you have. |
| i | I used to fear feelings. Now I consider myself – above them. I hope this doesn’t get me into too much trouble. It is a sign of that arrogance that I have to be constantly on the watch out for. |
| friend | Dude, you’re not helping your case with respect to her. |
| i | I’m not here to make a case one way or the other. She’s her own person and I’m my own person. While the writing of this is prompted by what she had to say, the honest truth is that I can’t let this entire writing be in response to what she has to say. |
| myself | No? |
| i | If I do that, I’ll be like her – at least the old her, that is. Always responding to what other people have to say. |
| friend | She sure isn’t that way now. |
| i | I guess she isn’t. |
| myself | There is one more thing we should tend to. Did you lie to her? |
| i | I’ve always tried to be honest with her about how I felt. If she’d had this attitude from the getgo we’d probably be just cool as ok friends by now and that’s it. |
| friend | But instead you’ve broken her heart how many times now? |
| i | I’m starting to lose track. |
| myself | There was no misrepresentation of my feelings. |
| i | I’ve just had feelings that are rather … warm but somewhat ambivalent with regard to her. |
| friend | And sometimes the warmth came out warm, and sometime the ambivalence came out cold. |
| myself | And so depending on how what was said when, |
| i | I’d seen to be giving her an emotional roller coaster ride. |
| myself | But it was never really about me. |
| i | It was about how she took what I said. It was about what she wanted, and my attempts to state what I could offer. |
| friend | Are you going to say it is all her fault? |
| i | I don’t have to say that. |
| myself | She has said so her self. |
| friend | Only I think now is/can she be the changed girl that she’s referring to there. |
| friend | So like, don’t you want to stay with them at A-Cen? |
| myself | It would be nice. |
| i | I do enjoy her company, as a friend. |
| friend | She’s indicated she’s had some difficulty treating males as friends. |
| myself | If how we’ve turned out is any indication, then it is no wonder. |
| i | I am glad, for her, that she’s reached this stage. I don’t want her to love me – at least not now. I do want to be her friend. |
| friend | You want to walk a middle ground that I don’t think she knows how to be on. |
| i | With her, it is a middle ground I need to walk for a while before I’d feel comfortable going any further, and I’d like to be able to do this. |
| friend | You drive a hard bargain. |
| myself | As does she! |
| i | I think the only way I could have gotten her out of there would have been to propose. |
| friend | You weren’t seriously thinking? |
| myself | Out of pity. |
| friend | You know she doesn’t want any pity! |
| i | I know. But I feel what I feel. So does she. I don’t want her to feel like her feelings aren’t valid just because I don’t reciprocate them. And I don’t need any validation of my feelings. |
| friend | So, about A-Cen? |
| myself | If she’s willing to accept me as a friend, (perhaps with some physical attraction which may be acted upon), then yeah. |
| i | And if not, then I think it wouldn’t be all that great – I had thought that she wanted to believe in love, and so I’d give her reason to while there and then. I mean, I do “love her as a friend”. |
| friend | That’s a concept she doesn’t seem to get that a guy can feel towards her. |
| myself | That’s her problem. |
| i | I’m pretty staunch on this. I have to be. Especially if she’s as tough as she says she is now. |
| friend | She’s going to see you as being heartless. |
| i | Again, it is all a matter of her perspective. I have been clear in stating my feelings throughout. For example, right now I do feel like I’d like to hug her and cuddle with her. |
| myself | But she probably feels like punching you. |
| i | I know. Hopefully that will subside a bit. |
| friend | Why are you doing this? Why not just apologize and smooth things over a bit? |
| i | I’ve not been feeling like she’s really been getting the right impression about my feelings towards her. I’m doing my best to lay it out nice and clear here. |
| myself | Yes, there are risks that she might hate me for it. |
| i | I think it will be better in the long run though. |
| friend | Confidence is what attracts someone more than anything else. |
| i | Deep down inside I think it was my confidence that she was attracted to – because I knew I didn’t need her, right when we first met – so I could treat her however I wanted with little fear of repercussions because I wasn’t emotionally invested in her. That attitude, even if not justified, seems to be what attracts people. |
| myself | And she was attracted to you, and right from the very beginning you said you couldn’t promise anything, and that there was someone else that you had in mind. |
| i | I don’t see this year as shaping up to being any different. |
| friend | The question is whether or not she’s willing to put up with the same old thing all over again, or if she wants more. |
| i | It is her choice. I’m just making it clear what she’s getting into this time. I don’t want her to throw her heart at me and have it broken yet again without at least knowing straight up that that is likely what would happen. |
| myself | But cuddling, hugging, hand-holding, kissing her on the neck and nibbling her ears, etc… are all in order? |
| i | If she’s willing. Displaying physical attraction like that is a skill I don’t mind practicing. |
| friend | She’s really going to think you’re heartless. |
| i | I have changed over the past year, and it is about time I took a look at articulating that fully. At least I’m issuing proper warnings and able to anticipate this, unlike I was then. |
| myself | What of her feelings? |
| i | If she’s as strong now as she says she is, she can handle it. I hope she is. I’m finding strength like she’s displaying now attractive. I even told her that early on. |
| friend | But not attractive enough to want a long distance relationship? |
| myself | Not with her. Taking a wait and see attitude. And we’ll like wait and see how she responds to this. |