| person | conversation text |
|---|---|
| me | I miss her. |
| friend | Who? |
| me | I miss the one that I miss. |
| friend | Why? |
| me | Because I’ve gotten so used to communicating with her. |
| friend | You miss her. |
| me | Yeah. |
| friend | Why can’t you just learn how to use them, like I aim to? |
| me | Because you’re heartless. |
| friend | You can be too. |
| me | Yes, I can be heartless. But that’s not what I want to do now. Not to her. |
| friend | Not to who? |
| me | Not to the one whom my heart is heading towards. |
| friend | Does she read this? |
| me | Does who read this? |
| friend | The one whom you think your heart is heading towards? |
| me | Sometimes. |
| friend | Ah. And if she read this? |
| me | She might guess it was her – but so might someone else. |
| friend | Ah. You’re playing them, eh? |
| me | No. |
| friend | What then? You’ve got two girls who think you are into them, right? Doesn’t that mean you’re playing them? |
| me | One is wise. I admire her so. A good heart and sound judgment when it comes to relationships. |
| friend | And the other? |
| me | The other is foolish. Still a good heart, but a twisted heart. Codependent and unable to accept a helping hand when it is offered, and unable to believe that I could have liked her. |
| friend | And whom do you favor? |
| me | I favor the wise one, of course. |
| friend | And what of the foolish one? |
| me | Ignorance is bliss. I shall grant her some bliss, and then become ignorant of her. |
| friend | Ah, so you are going to use her, like I recommend, right? |
| me | It is what she would want. |
| friend | Really? |
| me | At least it is what she would say she would want. |
| friend | Why? |
| me | It is what she’d say she’d deserve. |
| friend | Do you agree? |
| me | I didn’t, but when she said no to the only way things could work betweenst us without me compromising myself too much, I started to have my doubts. |
| friend | Doubts? |
| me | Severe doubts as to what her character is really made of. |
| friend | Oh? |
| me | I had believed in her potential, and that all she needed was a better opportunity to realize it. |
| friend | And what happened? |
| me | She turned it down, just as she has in the past. |
| friend | She turned down an opportunity to do well in the past? |
| me | Yes, and in retrospect she was all like “I could have gone so far if only”…. |
| friend | Sounds like she ought to have learned from her mistake. |
| me | Some people never learn. |
| friend | And you believe she’s one of them? |
| me | I still believe in her potential. But I’ve come to believe that there’s no point in me waiting around for her to realize it. |
| friend | You were starting to feel something for her, weren’t you? |
| me | When I IM something like “YOU MATTER TO ME!” isn’t that a very open admission that I’m starting to feel something? |
| friend | I guess so. |
| me | But I’m not going to let myself get caught in a tragic trap like she’s choosing to stay in. |
| friend | You’re a little bitter about this, aren’t you? |
| me | Yes, damn it. Just like with my ex- |
| friend | Your ex-? |
| me | I permitted myself to imagine compromising on what I wanted in a relationship, and to accept that as a real possibility that I might be stuck with. |
| friend | And? |
| me | Not only was I sad that I had to compromise, but I was angry that the willingness to compromise was for naught. |
| friend | Why were you willing to compromise? |
| me | Because of how I felt. |
| friend | You really shouldn’t let yourself feel that way towards them. |
| me | Shut up. Let me feel what I feel. |
| friend | Ok man, I’m just telling you, it is better for you to not let yourself get so emotionally involved with them. |
| me | In her case, you might be right. |
| friend | But not in every case? |
| me | Like with the wise one? No. I’m glad to be developing emotions for her. |
| friend | And you are? |
| me | Perhaps. Probably. |
| friend | But not for the foolish one? |
| me | Not any more. |
| friend | No? |
| me | No. Or at least I won’t let myself. |
| friend | You don’t want to love a fool, eh? |
| me | That’s worse than being a fool for love. |
| friend | How do you think she’ll like being called a fool? |
| me | She does it to herself anyway. |
| friend | Really? |
| me | Really. Most self-deprecating person I’ve met. |
| friend | Really? |
| me | No, I can be more self-deprecating, but I’m not usually serious about it. She is. |
| friend | You’re angry about this? |
| me | Yes. Even if I did love her, how could I possibly get along trying to say positive loving things to a person who would argue with me when I said them? |
| friend | I don’t know. |
| me | Likewise, how could I imagine a person being a mother of my children who would always be blaming herself for everything – probably including their mistakes? |
| friend | You’ve talked about this with her? |
| me | No, but do I need to? Even if she is able to not blame herself for the children’s inevitable mistakes, could she be a good role model? She wouldn’t have the confidence to say “follow my example! I’m a good role model!” She’d be too busy pointing out everything that was wrong about her. |
| friend | And right about you. |
| me | And the main thing that she needs to do is to accept herself for being the good person that she is, accept a helping hand when it is offered, and take a few more risks instead of fearing failures. |
| friend | It sounds to me like you feel for her. |
| me | I’m trying to shun the fool and focus on the wise. |
| friend | And yet you’ll be seeing the fool before you see the wise one. |
| me | An unfortunate scheduling happenstance. |
| friend | Can you really dote on her during those days? |
| me | I can just forget and bring myself back to how things were before – and I can spend a few days pretending like all of the past year didn’t happen – and I can bask in her (unadmitted, at the time) love. |
| friend | And share none with her? |
| me | I can “love her as a friend”. |
| friend | If that means anything, it means you feel for her. If it doesn’t, then you’re using her. |
| me | I want to do neither. But I’ll humor her desires. But it makes me feel torn. |